MountZion Believers Church
by A CHILD OF GOD on JANUARY 29, 2012
I was nine when I started in a long, downward spiral. It would take two years to hit rock bottom, but I did. I am afraid (yet thankful) that, if I was not so protected, I would have been in a lot more trouble. But, I did not know what was coming nor did I notice the gradual slope down.
It started at home. My mom yelled at me for the tiniest things. She always criticized me. I had no one to talk to about their, either. I kept it bottled up inside. Every night I would cry for about two months. No one noticed, because I would hide in my dark bedroom, tucked away in a closet, my cries muffled by the mounds of clothes.
Next, I joined a site that was a little old for me. This brought me to the realization of drugs and suicide. Self-mutilation was amongst one of the things that interested me (along with pre-marital sex.. yes, I was still nine). After another month or two, I got talking to the wrong crowd, they brought me to self-mutilation.
Nothing could stop me now. The cutting got more intense. I was wise enough at ten to know only to cut on my ankles and shoulders so no one would see except in summer, and I was a rowdy one so no one would care. I lived the next year like that.
Everyday I looked into the mirror. I thought to myself “Who is that?” I begun to get dark circles under my eyes. It looked horrible, like I have not slept in months. I covered it up with make up. I would say to myself “I just have to get through today. Tomorrow will be better.” But I went to sleep every night more disappointed than the night before. It broke me, made me realize there was never gonna be a better tomorrow.
A year past and then I started trying to commit suicide. It got so bad that, after my eleventh birthday, I decided to give myself one week to live, then the deed would be done, once and for all, no chickening out like before.
The good Lord knows I would too, I lived that week as if it were my last. I said good bye and hugged everyone. No one knew why but they asked no questions. My friend ran up to me with an invite to a weekend at a Christian Camp. I, wearily, agreed.
My heart was not set on Jesus. I did not believe in anything after death. I believed you rot in the ground. No soul, no after life. I know now that I was wrong. I hated anything that was Christian. It had no value and was a huge lie to me.
It became the day of the retreat. I finally realized it was the day I was going to kill myself. I decided to wait, I needed time with a friend. Plus, it would be horrifying to kill myself in front of the whole camp. I didn’t wish to scar anyone.
We played games and did camp activities. I cared about nothing. Finally, the sun set. It was dark so they lit a fire and the whole 50 people gathered around it. People were playing guitars and singing. They all sounded beautiful. It got me thinking of what would happen later on that night. I lost it when they started singing “Better is one day”. I poured out my tears.
A soft tap on my hand was the only thing I felt. A complete stranger, a camp counselor I never talked to before grabbed my hand and helped me up. My friend tailed along with us to a nearby boulder. We three discussed what I was going to do. They told me about His undying grace. That God loves me, no matter if the world does or not. I fell even more apart.
She got me some cider and a doughnut and us three went back to the campfire and started singing. I will never forget that night. It felt like the Heavens opened up and engulfed me in a celestial light that came directly from God. Never have I doubted Him.
I would be dead if it were not for God’s undying mercy and impeccable timing. I am grateful, though, that I went through it all. For God let me fall away on purpose. He wanted to call me back so he could tie a rope around my leg and send me back into the sinner’s territory to gain them as well.
Since then, I have brought a small clan of people to the Lord. What wonders the Lord can do with you when you merely have an open heart!
I went to bed that night, not filled with poisons like I thought I was going to. Now, I have great faith in Jesus. I have confessed with my mouth that Jesus is Lord. I know in my heart that He is God and He died for me and my salvation and that of others.
Keep the Faith! Jesus will forgive you Infinity times Infinity! All things are possible with him! And, finally, he is ALWAYS there.. even in suffering, in tears, in the worst times. !!!PRAY!!! He is listening!
By: Emory Allison Monroe
The Light In My Darkness